Because I still feel the need to explain

There are many reasons I don’t want to seek marriage. Elaborate, wise, articulate reasons that I have had at least 15 years to come up with. (That was the time a life outside the cocoon of school started to look like a clear and present possibility.) The reason to get married, however, is embryonic in comparison. Its most compelling reason for being is biology. Two months after I turned 30, I was ready. Is this my body speaking? Is it my body saying, you’re not invincible, make plans for the future?
I'm late to the club. When friends got married, I laughed, cried and prayed with them, but I never, not once, imagined that I would want that for myself. My 20s were safe from expectations, at least. Now suddenly, I want a permanent member on my team. Not because I want the company, I just want the familiarity. His books, his mug, his smell. We’re planning a. He hates it when I. The first time we. I want someone to start these stories with.
Or maybe I just want someone with whom I can share the massive, chest-crushing fear of the possibility of children. Maybe that’s actually what my body is telling me: go, make more. But my hormones haven’t sent me a baby notice yet. No, I don’t seem to want to birth a baby. I just want one to settle in the crook of my arm. As if babies are ever so neat.
I want a receptacle to pour love into. It’s not a nice way to think of another human being, as a vessel. But maybe it’s not just one human being. Maybe I want two of them, maybe three. Maybe the object needn't be human at all. Maybe I just want to start that dog shelter I've been day-dreaming about since forever. Maybe I simply want to bring something in from the cold, warm it with my ample bosom, fill it to the brim with a stubborn love and send it into the world armed with the knowledge that home is a happy, safe place. And it’s right where you left it.
So do I want a have a child or go back to being a child?
Philosophy is hard. Shaadi.com is simple.