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what i want most right now is to want a new thing. a very specific new thing. anoited with legal ink, witnessed by well-fed guests, with compliments from family and friends. and i want the blessed ever after.

as hannibal lecter once said, we begin by wanting what we see. and i see flowers in the doorway, nadaswaram riding the wind, bangles along the shelf, and fear in my friend's eyes. i want that very specific fear, that very precise chill around my heart.

i want to think, am i doing the right thing? is this it? what if i find someone else? someone better?

i want saris spread chaotically over beds. relatives hogging the bathroom. my plans invaded by mysterious convention. i want to be comparing prices on bridal packages. telling my father not to freak out, it will be ok. packing.

everything around stained with haldi, kumkum, chandanam. crisp zari, gold self-consciously new, and the buttercup yellow on the walls still reeking faintly.

important world issues like backpacks left on buses, pesticide drunk by the acre, and diabetes even, temporarily left alone to stew in their juices. for now to be occupied with future photo albums and contents thereof. just that, to operate within the frame of a hired photographer's lens. look happy, be happy, hope.

i want a desire i can colour like this. i want to want this. me and another face in a heart-shaped frame. me and someone sent off together with steel utensils in our luggage. me and a better half and plenty of introductions all around.

it's a simple enough thing, i think, to want to want.]